Sometimes when I stand at the edge of the platform waiting for my train to approach, I wonder what it'd be like to just jump. I don't want to die, I love life, I love living. I don't know why this thought goes through my head so frequently. I feel like I'm holding my breath, like I'm waiting. I'm not sad but I feel like I'm waiting to be happy.
* called me a few days ago out of the blue. Throughout my life I've only talked to him a few times and we've always got along really well. It was odd getting that call from him, and the message 'I need to ask you a favour'. I talked to him for a bit and he said he'd call me when I got home, which would be in an hour.
At first the conversation was about random things, then he started to tell me about the problems he's been having with his marriage. I listened, saying nothing. He told me she'd moved out last week. I gave him some friendly advise, all positive; 'give it time...blah blah'. He listened, took my advise. We talked that night for over 2 hours.
I didn't chat to _____ at all, I couldn't be bothered. That's pretty much the way I feel all the time. I'm bored. We're not compatible, I know it, I feel it. But...he says he loves me, so many times! He does, I know he'd do anything for me. I see the way he looks at me, with so much desperate admiration. When he holds me I feel as if... as if he's trying to grab on and stop me from slipping away. He knows. He knows I don't love him.
Anyway, the next day * called me again. The conversation was odd, there was inuendo. For some reason from the first moment I got his message when I was in Manchester, I knew there was something... odd. After a couple hours of chatting I pushed him to tell me what he wasn't saying, maybe this was a mistake. He eventually told me that he's liked me for a long time!
This is *. My first cousin who's 11, almost 12, years older than me. *! I had the biggest crush on him when I was a kid, and him telling me this made me feel something deep in the pit of my stomach. The conversation ended with this that night.
The next evening I was stood by the kitchen sink washing dishes, and after a brief ring of the doorbell the door opened and he walked in. I felt so nervous, I couldn't even look at him. I avoided him for a while and sought refuge in the kitchen while he chatted to my mum in the other room. She was suspicious that something was up, he kept appologising to her but not telling her what for. When he came in to the kitchen I had no choice but to talk to him. He stood by the door smoking a cigarette and I stood next to him. It felt... comfortable... nice. My arm brushed against his and my heart skipped a beat.
We talked on the phone again that evening and I told him all the reasons why this was so wrong. He invited me to his house the next day but I refused. I wasn't going to go, I shouldn't have... but I did.
All the way I was thinking 'what the hell am I doing', but I kept walking. Before I knew it I was there. I had a good time. It was awkward at first, for about 10 minutes, but I felt so comfortable with him. It was fun.
I don't want to be with him. I don't want to spend my life with a man that's 11 years older than me, divorced and has 2 children. I don't want to be a step mum. I don't want to marry my cousin who I've known my whole life, who remembers me being a baby! God sake it's just too messed up. But... there's some things that he said that make me... (sigh). He sees me- the real me. He told me that I'm kind, a good person. He said he loves the way I'm always happy and smiling, but there's a sadness inside me.
No. No, I don't want this. I don't want him. I need a man that's like him, but not him. I need to finish things with _____ once and for all. My life can't go on like this. I just want to be happy, to find a man that I feel comfortable with, that I feel like I belong with.
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